I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling some way nearing the end of my schooling. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to see a pattern of cycles in my life. Within each school year there is a cycle where I know I will feel relaxed, be stressed, hate my program, and then love it again. There will be a rising action, a climax, falling action and then a resolution. We are characters in our stories that fall through this archetypal storyline, except it continues where a story would normally resolve.
Mired by this awareness, I find myself in a perpetual state of conflict. All at once I feel 1) a need to mourn an irretrievable past : a desire to return to an innocence that inspired belief in Slenderman and Jeff the Killer. This subsequently is stopped by 2) a desire to be present. After all, we mourn the past when we recognize that we did not appreciate those moments to their fullest during their passing (though is that ever possibly fulfilled?). And then I cannot help myself but feel 3) a need to excite myself for the future. I hate for it to arrive when I’ve lost the forest for the trees. I become unable to appreciate it fully when it is present and eventually regretting my then future in the past. I am Schrödingers liberal arts student. Unconsciously I appreciate all three at a time but reality collapses into one in my day to day. It can be nerve wracking. I think all the time of my troubles in the past as a reprieve of my present that I have overcome as a reassurance, and I project myself into the future reminiscing on troubles I will likely consider nostalgic and endearing. So I hypocritically will gently admonish others for reminiscing on their past by reminding them to be present and of their future plans and they will reply they understand but can’t help themselves. There is no disagreement, simply two statements completing each others and mirroring our subtexts.
On a macro level however, these mini story lines feel like they also fall on a bigger line of action, as if, if we’re to retrospect, all our individual points in an axis would meld together to form a bigger heroes journey. Each time our journeys take on a different skin, something in us has changed as well. My question is, when does our overall falling action start? While my body reaches its apex at 25, it may begin its decline, but I only feel that it’s a trade off for my intellectual enrichment as time goes on. How will I view my life’s plot diagram when I am 40, with an even more cultured mind and an increasingly deteriorated body? When it comes down to it, when would I truly feel like my life is starting to decline? My mentors, all of various ages from 30-50, speak to me at times as if they’re ready to pass their baton, seeing themselves as serving less than me. I wonder if that is when I will truly feel on a decline, when I feel myself outpaced by the ideas of a younger generation.
At times, at my zero points when I’m neither rising nor falling, when the action has slowed down and I’m at the climax of it all, I gain some relativity and remember I thread a thin line between hope and despair. I’ve conceived “opposites” in the shape of a horseshoe where opposites are often inches apart rather than kilometres away on a spectrum. How though is my hope compatible with my despair? I am hopeful for my future, I will have so much life to look forward to, but I am also wary of the many difficulties I will have to overcome. Am I as resilient as the trees around me? Is there a teetering point I am unconsciously approaching, where the apathy that rises with my care will come on top, and I will stop desiring to transform the world? Maybe that will be my falling action on my macro plot diagram. I hope it is not accurate to see my care as a knife that can cut, grow dull, be sharpened, but not perpetually. Each time another cycle of my life ends, a thin layer of my being is removed. Take my skin, then my nails, then my bones and all. In years I will not recognize myself like the Ship of Theseus. I hope I am able to reborn with my memories at the end of it, that my will is not found in the materials, but some metaphysical spirit.
These are all the things I thought of while reading this. Definitely my favourite read yet from you! Reallyyyyy looking forward to the next one 😙
“I wonder if that is when I will truly feel on a decline, when I feel myself outpaced by the ideas of a younger generation” this one hits. I am perpetually aware that society looks to the “youth” to guide our future. We are innovation, we are ingenuity, we are hope. I’ve only ever been young my whole life so it has been nice to be on the receiving end of this optimism but already I feel myself aging out of this prime. Gen Alpha is using slang that I’ve never heard of and I fear becoming obsolete. I want to stay current, want my ideas and my mind to stay current, but time is ungenerous and soon enough I fear the slow degradation of my relevance.
I fear obsolescence, I fear catastrophe, but what I fear most is the prophesied apathy that seems to afflict most adults. Id like to hope that I’ll always care. We may not be as resilient as the conifers around us but I stand a little taller knowing that they are always here to support us. And of course, I’m here to support you, and I know it’s mutual. Life is hard but community helps us through it
“where relativity is judged by men who think themselves God.” is so beautiful. As is “but I am not omniscient, I see only their beauty.” What a great essay, I came from instagram and I love the charm. big fan!
"...throughout it all, you will have been too rushed to have even enjoyed it," DANG, this had me pause and sit back lol, I feel like in the age of early adulthood, where we grieve our innocent perspective on the world (free of all responsibilities), we become hyper-aware of everything around us, and we start worrying and stressing about the next bigger and better thing to accomplish or work towards. I like how this read felt like a tour of your thought process, showing us an actual look into appreciating the little things in life. Maybe I should say hi to the next tree I meet...
I loved this. I feel as though the fact that we share the world with so many small but amazing things can become forgotten within the noise of everyday chaos. You just reminded me that maybe it’s time to catch the sunset and watch the crowds a little more closely tmrw :)
Good read! I feel like one of your best assets is how relatable you are, and it’s nice seeing you centre this piece around that!
Thanks so much man!!
:,)
<3
I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling some way nearing the end of my schooling. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to see a pattern of cycles in my life. Within each school year there is a cycle where I know I will feel relaxed, be stressed, hate my program, and then love it again. There will be a rising action, a climax, falling action and then a resolution. We are characters in our stories that fall through this archetypal storyline, except it continues where a story would normally resolve.
Mired by this awareness, I find myself in a perpetual state of conflict. All at once I feel 1) a need to mourn an irretrievable past : a desire to return to an innocence that inspired belief in Slenderman and Jeff the Killer. This subsequently is stopped by 2) a desire to be present. After all, we mourn the past when we recognize that we did not appreciate those moments to their fullest during their passing (though is that ever possibly fulfilled?). And then I cannot help myself but feel 3) a need to excite myself for the future. I hate for it to arrive when I’ve lost the forest for the trees. I become unable to appreciate it fully when it is present and eventually regretting my then future in the past. I am Schrödingers liberal arts student. Unconsciously I appreciate all three at a time but reality collapses into one in my day to day. It can be nerve wracking. I think all the time of my troubles in the past as a reprieve of my present that I have overcome as a reassurance, and I project myself into the future reminiscing on troubles I will likely consider nostalgic and endearing. So I hypocritically will gently admonish others for reminiscing on their past by reminding them to be present and of their future plans and they will reply they understand but can’t help themselves. There is no disagreement, simply two statements completing each others and mirroring our subtexts.
On a macro level however, these mini story lines feel like they also fall on a bigger line of action, as if, if we’re to retrospect, all our individual points in an axis would meld together to form a bigger heroes journey. Each time our journeys take on a different skin, something in us has changed as well. My question is, when does our overall falling action start? While my body reaches its apex at 25, it may begin its decline, but I only feel that it’s a trade off for my intellectual enrichment as time goes on. How will I view my life’s plot diagram when I am 40, with an even more cultured mind and an increasingly deteriorated body? When it comes down to it, when would I truly feel like my life is starting to decline? My mentors, all of various ages from 30-50, speak to me at times as if they’re ready to pass their baton, seeing themselves as serving less than me. I wonder if that is when I will truly feel on a decline, when I feel myself outpaced by the ideas of a younger generation.
At times, at my zero points when I’m neither rising nor falling, when the action has slowed down and I’m at the climax of it all, I gain some relativity and remember I thread a thin line between hope and despair. I’ve conceived “opposites” in the shape of a horseshoe where opposites are often inches apart rather than kilometres away on a spectrum. How though is my hope compatible with my despair? I am hopeful for my future, I will have so much life to look forward to, but I am also wary of the many difficulties I will have to overcome. Am I as resilient as the trees around me? Is there a teetering point I am unconsciously approaching, where the apathy that rises with my care will come on top, and I will stop desiring to transform the world? Maybe that will be my falling action on my macro plot diagram. I hope it is not accurate to see my care as a knife that can cut, grow dull, be sharpened, but not perpetually. Each time another cycle of my life ends, a thin layer of my being is removed. Take my skin, then my nails, then my bones and all. In years I will not recognize myself like the Ship of Theseus. I hope I am able to reborn with my memories at the end of it, that my will is not found in the materials, but some metaphysical spirit.
These are all the things I thought of while reading this. Definitely my favourite read yet from you! Reallyyyyy looking forward to the next one 😙
“I wonder if that is when I will truly feel on a decline, when I feel myself outpaced by the ideas of a younger generation” this one hits. I am perpetually aware that society looks to the “youth” to guide our future. We are innovation, we are ingenuity, we are hope. I’ve only ever been young my whole life so it has been nice to be on the receiving end of this optimism but already I feel myself aging out of this prime. Gen Alpha is using slang that I’ve never heard of and I fear becoming obsolete. I want to stay current, want my ideas and my mind to stay current, but time is ungenerous and soon enough I fear the slow degradation of my relevance.
I fear obsolescence, I fear catastrophe, but what I fear most is the prophesied apathy that seems to afflict most adults. Id like to hope that I’ll always care. We may not be as resilient as the conifers around us but I stand a little taller knowing that they are always here to support us. And of course, I’m here to support you, and I know it’s mutual. Life is hard but community helps us through it
The climate anxiety is so real but I’m glad we got a cool essay out of it
Dont remind me.... TT
This essay is beautiful, thank you
Thank YOU
“where relativity is judged by men who think themselves God.” is so beautiful. As is “but I am not omniscient, I see only their beauty.” What a great essay, I came from instagram and I love the charm. big fan!
So awesome im glad u enjoyed tysm :DD
santa isn't real??
"...throughout it all, you will have been too rushed to have even enjoyed it," DANG, this had me pause and sit back lol, I feel like in the age of early adulthood, where we grieve our innocent perspective on the world (free of all responsibilities), we become hyper-aware of everything around us, and we start worrying and stressing about the next bigger and better thing to accomplish or work towards. I like how this read felt like a tour of your thought process, showing us an actual look into appreciating the little things in life. Maybe I should say hi to the next tree I meet...
I loved this. I feel as though the fact that we share the world with so many small but amazing things can become forgotten within the noise of everyday chaos. You just reminded me that maybe it’s time to catch the sunset and watch the crowds a little more closely tmrw :)